Moments of Enlightenment

I have been racking my brain all week thinking about what I was going to blog this week.
I didn’t know what I was going to write until I spoke with one of my squad leaders 10 minutes before I sat down to start this.

Side note, you gotta love it when God uses other people to speak to you!

This first week has definitely put me through some trials. I have sobbed uncontrollably with tears of joy for witnessing Gods love and miracles, I have also had several panic attacks while being held by friends when I had an overwhelming burdensome sadness through my whole being.
Through both sides though, I have seen God’s promises of not letting me down or being abandoned. He has held me through the trauma responses, the thick feeling of uncertainty and the fear of not knowing how my life is about to go this next year.
I most definitely didn’t walk into this commitment last Saturday fully knowing how strenuous this was going to be.

I walked in thinking I would be fine if I just stuck by everything I already believed, still believing that I am the only person I need in my life and only fitting Jesus into the equation when I’m in the mood. Where’s the growth in that though?

I learned that teamwork is one of the strongest things, relying on people even when you’re scared. Being honest and sharing a raw kind of vulnerability.

My team started off as a big friend group just all trying to fit together, we’re now a huge family who has nothing but the best interest for each other. I have more encouragement, support, understanding in my life now than I think I have felt throughout my whole life.
It’s different here because we all have one common goal, to serve Christ. We are all coming from dark places in some capacity. We’re all a bit scared and anxious in some way or another, which causes us to fall back onto each other for that stability.
It’s a beautiful dynamic, to have a strong support system.
Even with my blessing of a team, God has really shown me some challenges. I have felt some unbearable weight over not knowing the unknown and feeling so lost. I didn’t realize until today though that, God isn’t telling me that I’m useless in His Kingdom, He is building me up to be strong for Him to help reach people.
Even though my biggest goal is to help spread His love and Word, I have to allow Him to fill me up with His spirit before I try to fill others up with His Spirit, I can’t give to others what I don’t have myself. I need to rest in the presence of God and go to Him first throughout every phase of life I’m going through or feeling. Not to the people around me, their great but they aren’t Gods kind of great.
That is the biggest lesson I’ve learned so far.